I took my son to get his haircut tonight (pre-haircut photo above), and the hairdresser informed me that she would no longer be working there, and that she was going to work at a spa. She was excited because this spa is owned and run by a doctor; a plastic surgeon (of course my mind raced to Nip/Tuck, fan that I am). As a recently hired bonus, he gave her a botox injection. This girl must be barely 30. I couldn't hide my surprise and said surely you didn't need it. Oh, yes, I had frown lines, she replied.

I find this very disconcerting. Do you? Maybe I'll change my mind when I start to freak out over lines on my face. But I really doubt it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I might as well wear my life on my face, right?

On a totally unrelated topic, I talked to my brother on the phone tonight and he sounded great. He is seeing a lot of doctors for both his physical and mental well-being and it seems to be working. He needs a lot of support right now. I suggested that he should start a blog, and he laughed, thinking that this kind of thing is for internet weirdos. But it's not; trust me, I say. Should I talk him into it? I think it would be great for him.

I have to prepare an annual report for work, meaning that I have to brag about myself and describe all the wonderful things I've done over the past year. Explain my productivity, so that the higher ups don't think I've wasted my time just thinking and being all academic all year long. I hate doing this kind of thing, because it involves bragging about myself and self-promotion, which I despise. I would much rather just get into the trenches and put my head down and work my ass off without having to come up for air and explain what it is that I've done. The only people who really need to worry about this kind of thing are the non-workers, and there are plenty of those. Rest assured, I am not one. The problem with this kind of exercise is that you can make yourself look on paper, like you've been very productive, even if you haven't.

I would like to sum it all up in a sentence or two...something along the lines of...Dr. C has acheived great success in research and publications, while at the same time being able to spend quality time with her family, had loads of fun, not gotten to the point that she is so stressd out that she had to take stress leave from said employment, oh, yes, had a baby, cared for her children, played lots of board games, had heaps of fun meeting bloggers and chatting back and forth with them. Gardened, partied, played and ate, mothered and spoused, and don't you worry, employer, she did a shitload of work to boot.

I am antsy today. Well actually, I was yesterday as well. I worked in my office yesterday, though, and had back-to-back meetings all day long. Today I am working in isolation, at my desk at home, writing away at the computer, with the sparkling water to gaze at out the window. But I have this feeling...like I can't sit still and my mind is wandering, so that I can not concentrate. There really is no reason for this, but it is unnerving. Do you ever get this feeling, like you are yearning for something, but you have no idea what it is. And your head and mind aches for it; the solace, but there is nothing really to cause you this unrest? My head feels like it might explode. This is very disturbing for a problem-solver like myself. How can I fix a problem that apparently doesn't exist?

Zahir, which in Buenos Aires in 1939 was a coin, a ten-centavo piece, with the letters `N' and `T' and the numeral `2' scratched crudely in the obverse. Whomsoever saw this coin was consumed by it, in a manner of speaking, and could think of nothing else, until at last their personality ceased to exist, and they were reduced to a babbling corpse with nothing to talk about but the coin, the coin, always the coin. To have one's mind devoured by coins, that is a terrible fate, but to have one's mind devoured by the thought of a coin, that is strange and far more terrible. I can become obsessed, as we all do, but sometimes we can get obsessed over ridiculous things. What obsesses you? I can't seem to get anything done today. I am obsessed with doing nothing, I guess. So in the name of procrastination (as opposed to self-obsession), I leave you with a meme...

ARE YOU:

1. A Cuddler? It very much depends…with whom, my state of mind, how cold or hot it is….I am high maintenance.

2. A morning person? NO (but I wish I was)

3. Are you a perfectionist? Again, it depends…most things, no, but certain things I insist on being perfect (like folded laundry).

4. An only child? I have an older brother and sister

5. Catholic: Nope.

6. In your pajamas? Yup.

7. Currently suffering from a broken heart? no.

8. Okay styling other people's hair? Children’s hair; I don’t know about adults…

9. Left handed? No..

10. Addicted to MySpace? Never used it; should I?

11. Shy around the opposite gender? No. I tend to be more shy around women than men. What does this say about me?...

12. Loud? I have the tendency to get loud, depending on my mood. But I can also be very quiet.

DO YOU:

12. Bite your nails? never.

13. Get paranoid at times? Not usually.

14. Currently regret something that you have said/done? I despise the idea of regret; I generally do not regret…and currently, no, nothing.

15. Curse frequently when you get mad? No; I tend to be the silent, fuming type.

16. Enjoy country music? Blech.

17. Enjoy jazz music? I love jazz; I used to play the saxophone and Charlie Parker was my music hero.

18. Enjoy smoothies? never.

19. Enjoy talking on the phone? Not really. Oddly enough, my mother is one of the few people I can talk on the telephone for an hour with, and wonder where the time went. Go figure.

20. Have a lot to learn? Don’t we all?!

21. Have a pet? Two cats. They’re idiots…

22. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person? No.

23. Have all your grandparents died? Yes.

24. Have at least one sibling? Yes.

25. Have been told that you are smart? Yes. It makes me uncomfortable. But then again, most compliments make me feel uncomfortable.

26. Have had a broken bone? Unbroken thus far.

27. Have Caller I.D. on your phone? Of course!

HAVE YOU:

28. Changed a diaper? I have a diaper counter in my house; like my site counter…I think it’s up to 856,973 and still climbing.

29. Changed alot over the past year? I don’t know…I should probably put some thought into this, shouldn’t I?

30. Had friends who have never seen your natural hair color? My hair is my natural colour; never been touched. Ever. My hair is a virgin.

31. Had surgery? Wisdom teeth out.

32. Killed anyone? WTF! Uh, NOOOO….(maybe felt like it, though…)

33. had your haircut within the last week? No.

LAST PERSON WHO:

1. Slept in the bed beside you? Mr. C.

2. Saw you cry?: Mr. C or my son…

3. Went to the movies with you? my son.

4. You went to the mall with?: the babe.

5. You went to dinner with? Mr. C and both boys.

6. You talked to on the phone? my mum.

7. Said 'I love you' to you and meant it? my son

8. Broke your heart? no comment.

9. Made you laugh? the babe.

WOULD YOU RATHER?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Neither, but if I really had to choose; definitely nose.

2. Be serious or be funny? funny for sure.

3. Drink whole or skim milk? 2%, but if I had to pick, skim…whole milk is ewww.

4. Die in a fire or drown? Yikes; neither…but I think drown.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? parents.

ABOUT YOU!

1. What time is it? 9:44 am

2. Name? um...Cathy

3. Nickname(s)? Cath, mum

4. Where were you born? Quebec

5. What is your birthdate? August 28, 1971

6. What do you want? peace and love.

7. Where do you want to live? nowhere other than where I am.

8. How many kids do you want? I have them both.

Chloe redesigned my blog for me today. But I imagine that you already guessed this by her signature professionalism and beauty. I am amazed by how personalized she made this appear without a single bit of input from me. I love you, my dear friend.

It's been storming all day today, which suits me just fine. I didn't need an excuse to want to stay indoors, which fine weather would have otherwise forced me to do. My parents came for dinner and brought my grandfathers old violin. He was a real player, an amateur professional, playing Don Messer and the likes. My mother wants my son to have it, since he is a music lover and she sees her fathers' love of music in him. I give him piano lessons on Sundays, but when he is a little older, we'll find a violin teacher. In the meantime, this old violin and I share a melancholy spirit.

We didn't take the bubble wrap, against my best judgement. Rather, I wore a blouse with buttons that kept popping open. Much better amusement than silly bubble wrap, don't you think?...sorry, folks, no photos of that.

The babe waddles around and picks up god-knows-how-old Cheerios from the depths of the couch cushions and my son walks across the bubble wrap placed strategically on the floor for the loudest sound effects. I juggle dishes, lunches, wash and coffee, breakfast, face cloths, work and computer....and tonight we will take our crazy selves to a Maltese-German dinner party, with the hosts requesting that we bring our children. Should I also bring the bubble wrap?...

I don't like "S" in my class, mum. Why not?, I ask him? "Because he doesn't listen to the teachers and is always acting up. And...He interrupts the music teacher" (my son LOVES music). I am thinking about my response to this but before I can say anything, he quickly says..."But he can't really help it, mum. He's just scared. He doesn't know how else he should act." And then he is talking about a video game before I have even had a chance to process another thought. How does such wisdom come, in the form of a five year old?...

It's been incredibly warm this week; Indian Summer...we went to the beach last night and have been getting sun tans outside gardening. Who knows how much longer this will last, but I fear it is fleeting, as the western parts of the country have had several frost warnings and even snow in the mountains already. Snow is a long way off for us, but when that cold blast comes, I will dread it. For now, we can sleep with the windows open and listen to the roar of the waves, the signals of the storms that abide at sea.

I wish I could tell you about the research I am doing, and the book I am writing, but I have vowed to keep my work life away from this fun space. When it is finished, perhaps...in the meantime, I have to switch gears and get back to work. Sigh....

We have been very social lately, all of us...people over for dinner parties, weddings, more dinners...And tonight by e-mail, an invitation to a dinner this Friday. The husband is a very good friend of mine. In fact, he may be one of the most interesting people I know. So I can't wait to tell you all about that night out. In the meantime, we have a whole week ahead of us. School again and work again, and early mornings and routines and such. More fill before the good stuff.

What would cause someone to hate humanity, to kill or maime, to burn down a school? The answers to such questions elude most of us, perhaps even those who perpetrate such things. But this I know...we have to take care of one another, friends, family, strangers, and love one another. Help and care for those around you. I refuse to hate the people who have done these things. I hate the results, but we need to find answers and resolve these kinds of problems we are facing among humanity today. For if we don't there is no humanity, is there?...

Just in case you were wondering what I've been up to as of late, which you probably haven't, but in the event that you have...this is what I stare at. Work, research, computer, facts and files...writing this book that looms like a sky-scraper over my head. But it will get done...months from now, but I will show its' shiny bright cover on the day it is finished.

I take my shiny bright son to school and he jumps out, excited to begin the day. Such joy in learning, has he. Commas should separate words, mom, so people know that the words are all separate. So, my, senetences, should, be, written, like, this. I read it like it would sound and he simply looks at me, and then moves on to the next topic.

I spoke with my brother today, who is healing and sounding better than ever. This was a cry for help, one that he knew no other way to achieve, and it has worked for him, in ways that others have not been as fortunate for.

Most of our Saturday was consumed by parties; a birthday party with a clever magician for a 5 year old in the morning (which, I must say, was the first children's party that has not annoyed me in some way). And the afternoon and evening was a wedding for a very nice couple. It was a beautiful wedding, as far as weddings go, and it was full of sincere and amusing moments. I know the groom, who cried throughout most of the evening. He is a kind and amazing individual. I wish them peace and love for the rest of their lives.

I slept in today and although the day is a typical lazy nearly-fall Sunday, we do need to go to the mother-in-law's for dinner. More to come on that front....

This ends a busy week of back to work, to school, new routines, family disasters, and on and on. My brother is doing really well; he is still in the hospital, but off the suicide watch. I am hopeful that he has slowly taken his first small steps into the road of recovery. Thank you again for your love and concern.

Let's see what this week brings....

So, it's officially one year that this blog has been alive. Longer, really, if I hadn't accidentally deleted my first go at it. And I haven't tired of it, nor have you, friends. I won't go on about the wonders of blogging; you all know this well.

All I have to say is that I have Rosie O'Donnell, Hurricane Katrina, and George W. Bush to thank for getting me going on this thing. Weird, I know. But such is life....

When you were born
I marveled at the size of you
The smell of you
The sight of you.

I was afraid for you.
For everything that
Might harm you,
So I prepared myself
To be your protector.

So I did, and we shared
Every moment of the
First fraction
Of your life.

Asleep. On my chest,
When there was no other
Place that would sooth you.
I embraced your self, every sense,
Took you in.

We played, we cried
Sang, and danced
Coloured, and crafted,
We moulded, we skipped.
We shared, those moments
Of your life.

You are not mine alone.
I know this. I open my arms
To embrace you.
Often, and hard.

And then you grow,
To experience the things
We have shared
With others.
Spread the joy. Share the love.

Open your arms wide and
Send forth your
Wisdom, and beauty
And love that overwhelms
Me. At times.

Let us continue to be
Overwhelmed by our
Love for each other.
Forever more.

Further than each milestone,
As it passes, like markers on
The pathway of life,
I will be there. Always.
Near and far, always together.

Darkness creeps in at the most unexpected times and places. A phone call, a switch of the channel, a button. Individual moments of disaster, or those that are averted. Crys of help, when the murmurs alone should already have been heeded.

My brother, broken soul that he is, is in the hospital, on a suicide watch. Please pray, meditate, ot think positive thoughts in the ways that you know best. I don't know how to help him.