The Jehovah's came by for a visit this morning. As the 80-something women handed me their pamphlet, I looked at the cover and spontaneously said "oh, then you won't be coming round anymore then!" The one lady smiled, but the other looked stern, getting my point, and ushered the other away. I didn't even get a chance to see if they would like a cup of coffee or tea. I would have liked to have shared some recent reading on the Shambhala I had done. I consider myself to be a very open-minded person when it comes to religion. But please don't preach on my front doorsteps. It just looks pathetic. But thank you for trying to save me anyway.

Ta-Da...

And, since Halloween is only two days away, we figured we had better start carving some pumpkins. So...Ta-Da again....And now, although it is only 8:30, it feels like 9:30 because of the g-d time change. Don't even get me started on that topic.

Here's to a good week ahead, friends.

Hawkeye posted ten things that he wanted to pass on to his son-to-be. He challenged me to do the same. I took a bit of a different approach, but the following list is my short-list of things that I want my two sons to know. I give them bits of the long list every day (i.e. wash your hands a million times a day, make sure you remove eye gook before leaving the house in the morning...and so on). But here are the more important things that I want for them to know and learn:

1. Be your own person; don't let anyone or any group of people try to tell you who you are or who you should be.
2. Learn from the hardest experiences in your life; it's o.k. to fail some times. Use these experiences to move forward from.
3. Find your passion, work hard and follow your dreams to the ends of the earth.
4. Be compassionate towards your fellow humankind. Love your enemy. Hate serves no purpose.
5. Never work at the expense of your family. Spend time on who and what matters.
6. Don't take life too seriously; laugh and smile, have fun.
7. Serve a larger purpose; be active in volunteer organizations; take care of the environment, feed the hungry. The world is bigger than your being.
8. Explore the world; travel as much as you can; it is a wonderful and amazing place.
9. Be humble; arrogance will get you nothing more than people annoyed at you.
10. Never forget how much your parents love you; you are life itself.

It has been hard for me to blog lately. Hard to do much of anything, really. But I am finding that I am slipping back into my normal routines, finding enjoyment again in the things I typically like to do, and laughing and smiling with the boys. My family has been in mourning. Although my brother did not succeed in killing himself, he has been cut off from us in such a dramatic and profound way as to effectively be out of our lives completely. At least for now, that is. Our calls go unreturned and we wonder how he is, what he is doing, is he frightened or sad? Perhaps he is happy. But I doubt it, since he lives with a vampire. The woman has been slowly draining the life from him for twenty years now.

Horizon sent me this wonderful Halloween package all the way from the Northwestern Highlands of Scotland! My son was already into the chocolate (see evidence on his mouth ;). You do not want to know how long it took me to blow up that inflatable pumpkin, though! We think alike, however, as you will see when your package arrives. Thank you friend, it is an amazing treat. Thank you to Pea for organizing the exchange!

From every experience in life we learn something. Even the most tragic events can teach us lessons about ourselves, others, life…Sometimes these are hard lessons; ones we would rather not have had. I lead a wonderful life, but these past few weeks have given me a glimpse of horror. It is easy for me to give in and slip back into my wonderful, comfortable life, but I still feel the slight tug of the necessity to continue to do something, even when I am told to do nothing. When does one stop, and say enough is enough? I was there, and to some extent, I still am. In the meantime, I have learned…

…that when you are trying your best to help someone heal, it can be twisted and turned into being meant to hurt
…that sometimes, the best thing to do might be nothing
…that people can be convinced that those that want the best for them and love them the most are against them
…that mental illness is something more real than I could ever have imagined
…that I can’t fix every problem that I set my heart and mind to. And this is perhaps the most frustrating of all…

My song for today: Chantal Kreviazuk "All I Can Do"
All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it

I have been telling you for weeks that my brother has been suicidal. He also has epilepsy. My parents and sister and I have been trying to help him to save his life. We went last week to see him and were hoping that he could come for awhile to stay with us; to relax, to heal, to smile and laugh, to have fun. We were uplifted by his spirit and had hoped to bring him home. He very much wanted to come; in fact, he had asked for it. Circumstances did not allow it to happen. He needed more meetings with physicians and his medication was being altered. But the worst thing that has happened is that his wife has messed with his very fragile head. She has obessive compulsive personality disorder, although neither he nor she is aware of this fact. He spoke to me today and said to back off. Two weeks ago he was crying for our help, and now he wants us to abandon him. His wife has turned into a raging lunatic towards us. For the simple matter of trying to love and care for him too much, I suppose.

I have done everything. But when someone asks you to do nothing, even if they are not capabale of independent thinking, you respect what they are asking for. Right?...God help him, for I don't know what else to do.

I am leaving for New Brunswick with my parents tomorrow to see my brother. We will see how we can start to put the pieces together again. I will let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I need as much positive energy as you all can muster. Thank you, friends. xo

We spent the day in the "valley", picking apples and pumpkins, going through corn mazes and playing in bales of hay. The weather was warm and beautiful and our cheeks are rosey from the fresh air. Fresh air is fleeting, though I wish it would remain. This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada and we are thankful for so many things. I am mostly thankful for supportive and uplifting people right now. And for the fact that my brother remains safe and is getting treatment.

I will be around to visit your blogs as soon as I get the chance; in the meantime, thank you all so much for your support.

I was going to post about something entirely different, but then received a package in the mail from Chloe. It included euphoria milk bath (with white chocolate!). So I will smell like heaven. Thank you, dear friend...

My mother and I have an odd relationship; sometimes it is great, but most of the time, I find myself simply putting up with her myriad idiosyncrasies. We had a blow up back in January, which seemed to have cleared the air, but I feel the same old fog of frustration creeping back in. I can not even begin to describe her, for she defies explanation. She is very self-centered and the universe revolves around her. There are times when the frustration of having to deal with this simply overwhelms me. When I begin to talk about the things I am doing, she acts bored and proceeds to talk about herself again. If she does stop to listen for a minute, she implies that I am bragging. She would disagree with me and argue the point that I am making here, but the fact remains that she at the very least personifies a woman who needs to hear compliments and talk about the things she is doing, hoping for positive reinforcement, but at the same time not having any inkling that others might need the same. I put on a mask of indifference because I can not stand to dole out praise, when I never received an ounce of it my entire life (well from her, anyway). She has changed towards my brother, doling out praise and pity, which is great. But this came from him trying to kill himself. Since I am not about to do the same, I guess that I am resigned to the fact that we will never come out of this. Back to the status quo.

So says the Nova Scotia Government. Well, not raincoats specifically, but thanks to their policies, one can not shop for a raincoat or most other things that one might need on a Sunday. We are getting the remnants of a hurricane tomorrow and my sons' raincoat is nowhere to be found. Should I drive to the neighbouring province of New Brunswick (a 4 hour drive away), which allows Sunday shopping and pick one up? Perhaps I'll do that and send my gas bill to the Premier of this fine province, eh? In the meantime, I feel like I am living in the woman above's era; where can I get me one of those?....